In the midst of all the change that was going on in my life at the end of 2014, I decided that I needed to keep a gratitude journal. I needed something I could look back on that would keep things in perspective when I felt down or insecure. I have kept journals off and on for years, but if I feel that a lot of them were centered more on the cruddy stuff that went on, which I think is important to document, but is also not something that I want people to find after I'm dead and think, "Wow, she was really negative." I want my journaling to reflect who I feel that I am inside, which is a very positive, grateful individual.
One thing I decided to do was write an entry on all the encouragements I've received during this season of being in "Steel Magnolias". I can be a very insecure person, as I touched on in one of my last posts, and it's always good for me to hear encouraging words from people, especially when I don't feel like they are forced.
I do get pretty insecure about my acting ability. I know I can do it, considering I keep being cast, but when everyone around me is just so incredible, I start to feel inadequate. This is no one's fault but my own. I just internalize things, and trust me, being onstage is like putting all your insecurities right out in front of people.
Just like having a boss, the director is the person I aim to please while working on a show. If he's happy with my performance, than I am, too. At intermission the other night, as we were walking upstairs to the dressing rooms to prepare for Act 2, my director called me over and gave me a big hug and said how fabulous he thought one of my scenes was that day. I honestly was thrilled and touched. When someone says something like that to me, it's not that I want to be praised and to be told how wonderful I am, but when it comes completely unsolicited it just holds so much more wait and makes me feel that God is speaking through that person to my insecurity. It's kind of like a, "hey, you got this. I know you've been driving yourself nuts wondering if you're doing it right. You're doing just fine."
I realized that I really do need to write those things down, not only because I am grateful to those who give me the encouragement, but because they are wonderful little reminders that I am loved and supported and at least somewhat capable of doing what I love.
Life is good, and it's good to document the all those things and to refer back to them. We can get really mired down in the muck of life, so it's wonderful to have a physical reminder that we really do have a lot of good in our everyday lives.